Change sucks..or does it?

cpil

Hey, just letting you know that we aren’t going to Krispy Kreme’s now, we are going out for dinner at that new sushi restaurant”
Not that serious.. for some. But to me, it’s like you’ve just told me that instead of getting my ears pierced I’m getting my toe cut off. That might be a bit extreme, but.. Oh well.

Change, whether it be a different restaurant or a different house to live in – stuffs me right up.
I’m not big on new, or different. I use to be alright with it!! But now, not so much.

If I’m going to go out for dinner with a friend, I have to know a week or more in advance, not just so I can make sure someone can watch the girls for a little while, but for myself. I’ve got to really mentally prepare for it. So, if a change does happen – it’s as though I haven’t had that week to mentally prepare.

They say that change is the one constant in life, well that’s just great.. because I suck at it.
Some people welcome change with open arms and a big smile, others – fucking run…

changey

Accepting change is hard.
My partner has just changed jobs.

He had been at his previous job for the entire duration that I have known him. So when he said he wanted to venture and try something new, widen his skills, I was supportive.. yet freaking out.

Man, I was so stressed.
New job meant a lot of changes. Also a whole lot of money stress in the lead up to the change.

I was absolutely over the top freaking out mentally. Now, even though it’s all good, all done, I still feel uncomfortable.

It’s been 2 or so weeks since he has worked at a new job and he loves it. Why do I care about the change?!

New job means new people.
I don’t know these people, I don’t know what they do, and I’m so paranoid of it causing change, whether in him, me or anything.

In all honestly, I haven’t really adjusted. How stupid does that sound! He moves jobs yet, I’m the one that hasn’t “adjusted” haha!

What. The. Fuck, right!?
But it’s the truth.

Right now, I feel like I never will ‘adjust’. He seems different already. Which of course he is. Hanging around different people, being more tired.. A lot more tired. – I get it. But I don’t have to like it.

I’m actually grateful for change – I hate it, and hardly ever want it – but I guess if it didn’t happen, life would be boring. Life wouldn’t actually happen.

We are born, changing.
Not breathing air ➙ breathing air.
Someone wiping our arse ➙ wiping it ourselves.
Chunky leg rolls are cute ➙ now they’re not..unfortunately

If it wasn’t for change – I wouldn’t be able to self improve..and that’s something I really need to do.

Right now, I’m writing this as I wait for my floors to dry and all I can think of – how much has actually already changed that I wasn’t completely aware of or maybe, just not bothered by.

So I guess – MAYBE, I can embrace changes.
I’ll try to look at change a different way.
Instead of what can go wrong – maybe I can try finding the benefit of the different.

Although, some change does fucking suck.
But now I realise- yeah, some does suck, but most importantly – some doesn’t.

Let me be like the caterpillar, as he turns into the butterfly.. But with a longer lifespan.
♪ Ch-ch-ch-ch changes ♪

butterfly

Victories – Little, but Big.

Not everyone measures success in the form of money, power or fame.
My success today is a personal gain (yes, apparently I am a poet)

Guess who went to her outside bin without a cardigan? Yep. Me.
I walked as fast as I possibly could, so as to get back inside. But I did it.

That’s a step in the right direction, If I do say so myself.bins
As little it is to you, it’s big to me.

My heart raced, not an exhilaratingpumped up, heart race, it was more of a scream. As though my heart was saying ‘FUCK, WHAT runTHE SHIT!? GET BACK INSIDE; RUN RUN BLOODY RUN’

Whilst my brain was going ‘be calm, I said be calm, deep breaths, it’s just to your bin.. Oh wait there’s cars coming HURRYING IT UP CHICK HURRY IT UP’

But, it’s a success. If I was a kid with a sticker chart, I’d be one up. Maybe even two.

Little goals my dudes and dudettes. Little goals heal the soul.

Enjoy your day and celebrate the little victories.
Like getting out of bed.

See Ya Later, Guilt.

Some days my energy levels are so low I resemble that of a melted marshmallow.

marsh

I’ll sit at the table with my 3rd cup of coffee at 930am and think oh my gosh, when will manchild be home!?
Then, the guilt sets in.
‘DUDE! He’s at work, don’t be a dick, you’re at home, get off your ass! Stop being tired’
I’ll look at the kids and they’re annoying each other…again. One has hit the other and they’re both screaming. I take a sip of my coffee, ‘eergh cold’ and I tip it out.

I always end up feeling guilty over my own feelings.
If I feel tired, I feel guilty.
If I get mad at the kids, I feel guilty.
Feeling lazy – guilty.
Feeling sick – guilty.
You get my point.

I remember one day, I was feeling so angry with my eldest, for a fair reason, and I beat myself up over it for a week. Telling myself how ‘there’s people that would kill to be in my position,’ ‘ I’m lucky to have kids, how dare I be mad.’

Another example, so to speak, is when manchild wanted to sleep all day after a night out, and goodness I was mad then too (I promise I don’t have anger issues – im not always mad..)
I’m tired too..I didn’t go out – you did it to yourself.’ Then after those silly feelings – the guilt.
‘He works all week for you guys, puts a roof over your head, how dare you be like that towards him!’ Which is true.
But having little arguments against your own feelings is completely unhealthy.

It seems so ridiculous when I actually think about it, but it’s just the way my brain works.
Do you every feeling guilty for feeling a certain way?

I know when I get sick, oh boy, I start thinking- ‘you can’t feel sick, your kids and partner need you to be healthy. Why is your body and head like this??’ Etcetera etcetera. I end up feeling so bad about it. Which I realise is completely crazy because, I can’t really help it.

One of the most unhealthy things a person can do, is not accept or acknowledge how they feel, and argue within themselves over it. But, it’s also not the easiest thing to change. Because, I’m trying and, man, every time you start feeling guilty – you feel guilty, over feeling guilty, because you said you’d stop it. Crazy? I know. Insane? Possibly.

I’m not saying that every thought or feeling, you should be proud of, or even accept it, but don’t argue over it. But you have to acknowledge the feeling or thought and seek help, in one form or another, if need be.

Taking time out for myself, is something I’m learning to do. I think it’s really important.

me time

For me, personally, it’s one of the things I feel most guilty about. I feel so guilty if I spend an extra 5 minutes in the shower to wash my hair properly. But I’m continuing to learn. Perseverance and patience is needed for almost everything in life. Including yourself.
Self-care is important – but it’s important to not cross the line into self-centred. Because look – I’m not one to be judgy, but, people being confident is great – people being self-absorbed, is not. Yuck. Makes me want to throw a dirty nappy at their face.

Im actually proud of myself. Can I say that? Of course I can.
In 3 weeks I have done more self-improvement than I have in many years. Not worrying about the outter so much, and improving from the inner is something that takes a lot more effort and hard work than a lot of people would realise.
Usually I would feel guilty or embarrassed over thinking all that and especially for letting it known publicly, but I don’t. It’s how I feel and that’s okay.

Getting rid of the guilt , one feeling at a time.

get-rid-of-guilt-1024x480