Insecurities – a lot of people have them. Whether it’s being insecure of their body, the way they laugh, insecure about their math skills, intelligence level… Just about anything people can be insecure about. Me? I’m pretty much insecure about most things.
The way my arms wobble when I move, actually the way all of me does, I wobble so
much I could probably hypnotise somebody. (I’m allowed to joke guys, c’mon) That is why, as I said in my last post, hanging out the washing on the clothesline has become a challenge for me. Because I’m insecure, and also paranoid about people’s opinions, I get so worried about our neighbours seeing me hang it out.
So just like getting the mail, I’ll put on a cardigan. When I’m at the line I cover my side, face a certain way, and hang it out the quickest way I possibly can before scooping up the kids and going back inside.
Playing with the kids outside is a little easier, because I sit on the concrete and it’s not as easy for people to see me that way. The other week, when the temperature was 40
degrees every bloody day, my daughter wanted to set the slip and slide up. Personally, I’ve never been on one because yep, you guessed it – insecurities.
All my cardigans were in the wash. I was freaking out because I did not want to be seen in my own backyard without a cardigan. Wait what? Was I serious? It’s MY backyard, well we rent so technically not mine, but you get my point. How bad is that, scared to be yourself, or scared to go without a cardigan outside in 40 degree heat in your backyard to set water up for the kids in fear of someone seeing you.
I walked out the front the other day, to ask my partner if he had his wallet – I got outside and my neighbour was out there and I freaked.
‘FUCK’ I kept saying that over and over in my head because I felt naked. Because I had no cardigan on.
I feel better when my arms are covered, I’m, a little bit, less embarrassed about myself.
Tell ya what – it gets fucking hot being insecure about your arms and having them covered.
“It’s so hot, take your cardigan off” thanks Janet – but I’d rather keep the jiggle contained today, is what I think but.. “Oh nah, It’s okay, I’m not that hot”
Of course I’m lying, because ♪man’s not hot♪ but I most certainly am.
Feeling so insecure that it affects you when you’re even in a private space is pretty hard. You feel shit about feeling that way because you know it’s a bit silly, but you feel like you just can’t do it. I’m not going to lie and say ‘but you know, I’m going to go out and go everywhere without a cardigan because that’s how it should be’ because that would be a flat out lie. But what I am going to do is take it step by step. I’ll try go to the bin without a cardigan. I’ll play outside without hiding. I’ll still wear a cardigan when I feel the most uncomfortable, but I’ll try do certain things without one.
My eldest always says to me, “Get you jacket, you got your jacket?” because kids notice things. I don’t need her to notice that. Embracing myself – for the girls and for myself.
Losing weight will help, undoubtedly. But in order for me to do that, I realise that I need to help myself from the emotional side first. Losing weight can be easy (bastards ha!), especially for those in the right mindset. That’s my goal.
My usual goals were to be a certain size, look a certain way. Not anymore. Because whilst those things are still in my mind, of course, having them as goals – doesn’t work for me.
I need to be healthy, mentally and physically and with that – hopefully weight loss will come.
Focusing on being confident enough to simply hang out the washing, confident enough to run around outside with my girls and to do a bloody slip ‘n’ slide.
Insecurities are normal, they suck big time, but letting them rule your life isn’t.