Eldest.

I guess I always knew. I knew she had some extra challenges that other kids didn’t. I also knew that she excels in some areas and gives it her best go.

Autism.
Look, let’s be honest, before my eldest, I had a completely different perspective, different “knowledge” or lack there of.
I always thought about severe autism. Not realizing how frigging broad the spectrum really is.
I remember someone close to me said, “she may have autism”.
What. The. Fuck?
How could they think that ?
She has delays but learns so fast?
She has shy moments but she loves affection?
She doesn’t sleep, but will if she is with me?
She plays, she doesn’t line her toys?

Turns out, those things definitely dont define Autism.

Let’s skip 4 years.
4 confusing, sometimes very challenging, beautiful years.
We got the official diagnosis.
I’m still coming to terms with it.
With all the therapies needed.
With the fact that she has a ‘label’ and with that label people unknowingly, treat her differently.

I brushed it off. Acted and mentioned it like it was old news.
Nope.
I was and admittedly still am, stressed.

I’m so happy to finally have an answer, I guess, but I’m still trying to not feel guilty.

Was it something I had done during pregnancy ? Was it the steroids they gave me?
Was it because I didn’t read enough? Because I couldn’t breastfeed ?
Its genetic ? Do I have it , did I give her it? Will my youngest have delays and/or a hard time socially ?
What happens if I can’t afford one form of therapy ?

No matter the amount of times, people and professionals tell you that it is legitimately nothing that I have done, it, for some reason, it still doesn’t wipe it from my thoughts or feelings.

There is nothing wrong with autism, nor does it make anybody any less for having it.
I’ve never thought it did.

But my goodness, it does make some thing’s so much harder.
I have my days where shes screaming and all I want to do is scream back, and I have.
She has days where every single thing makes her emotions extreme.
She also has days, and quite a few of them where she is able to do everything, without getting sad, scared or frustrated.
She might be going so well, even for a month long time period, and then she will get a cold..and then it’s back to the start.
It’s frustrating and hard to understand.

But even if there’s fewer good days, they still far outweigh the bad.

I’m coming to terms with it.
This is Autism too.
She doesn’t look any different, and her personality is phenomenal.
Her heart is big enough for the world and I really believe she is capable of anything.
She already is changing the world, especially mine.

Stop Sugar Coating Love.

Being in love is easy, but keeping and maintaining a relationship isn’t.
Yeah, some people just click and flow. But there comes a time where even they, will have to put in work.

tv

Whether it be organising a date night once a month or letting the other watch a show you find utterly ridiculous.

If it’s worth it – you don’t give up. There are points where, if I’m honest, I’ve wanted to.
Times where I’ve just wanted to call it quits. But I haven’t. Every day..well most, I’m thankful that I haven’t.
Sometimes the only reason I stayed (at the time) was because of our girls and because I know that I’m a psycho.

My paranoia causes many problems. But for the most part – my partner deals exceptionally well.
I was and sometimes still am, the type of person that if someone says something that really hurts me, I’ll say anything in order to hurt them more. It’s a disgusting thing to do, it was my self-defence mechanism for too long.

love hearts

People put up this false image of love and it gives me the absolute shits. Why lie? Love is beautiful, in all the bad and in all the good. Embrace the fucking shitty times, it helps. Sometimes makes for a brilliant joke in the future.

My partner and I have been through, a hell of a lot. He has done and dealt with more things than most, in a shorter time than most too…and so have I.
Every person has their ‘life baggage’. Some, more than others, (me, I am well over the baggage limit). If you’re not willing to help lug it around, then don’t pretend to. I am blessed with a bloke that is willing to hold it above his head, up a mountain and in the rain.

Now – because of my paranoia, I think- well shit, he’s going to slip down soon and make a run for it. So I cause an issue. Not completely on purpose, but a problem nonetheless. Because I feel like he will leave eventually – I try to rush it. I push away so that it’s easier for me. Of course that’s dumb and I’m crazy. I haven’t done it in a while because I’m growing – mentally. About time, I know.

I have a tendency to remember the negative. Which is something opposite to my partner. I think that is something that’s really hard for him. Which I completely understand.
I also felt as though he was too good for me- so I’d feel guilty for him being with me in general.

It doesn’t help that I have a habit of putting myself into other people’s shoes too much. Even fictional people in movies. I’ll sit there bawling because I imagine that it was me. Whereas manchild – he likes his own shoes, and will just listen to others instead of feeling their emotions. Which – isn’t bad but it does cause some arguments. Because I’m way too emotional\involved and he isn’t. But then again it works because he can be super comforting because he isn’t a sooky like me and then sometimes he thinks I’m a complete idiot and tells me to get over it. Which is what most people would do, it’s balance.

laundry

I’m not here to air our dirty laundry, I’m here to make sure people realise that love means loving someone even when their like me. It’s not all about how many people come to your wedding. It’s not about how many flowers he buys you, or if she fills the fridge with beer and invites your boys over and leaves for the night. It’s about being honest, loyal and trustworthy. Accepting them with all their flaws, helping them reach their goals, finding a balance – maintaining a friendship.
Don’t lose yourself in the expectations of the fantasy of love.

We lost ourselves when we had kids, I changed tremendously. But he is my best friend – and that I don’t want to lose.
Don’t take your partner for granted because of love. Love is only part of it. Make effort, stay involved and be genuine.
Love is easy – staying connected isn’t.peni and me