Victories – Little, but Big.

Not everyone measures success in the form of money, power or fame.
My success today is a personal gain (yes, apparently I am a poet)

Guess who went to her outside bin without a cardigan? Yep. Me.
I walked as fast as I possibly could, so as to get back inside. But I did it.

That’s a step in the right direction, If I do say so myself.bins
As little it is to you, it’s big to me.

My heart raced, not an exhilaratingpumped up, heart race, it was more of a scream. As though my heart was saying ‘FUCK, WHAT runTHE SHIT!? GET BACK INSIDE; RUN RUN BLOODY RUN’

Whilst my brain was going ‘be calm, I said be calm, deep breaths, it’s just to your bin.. Oh wait there’s cars coming HURRYING IT UP CHICK HURRY IT UP’

But, it’s a success. If I was a kid with a sticker chart, I’d be one up. Maybe even two.

Little goals my dudes and dudettes. Little goals heal the soul.

Enjoy your day and celebrate the little victories.
Like getting out of bed.

Jiggle Jiggle all the way

Insecurities – a lot of people have them. Whether it’s being insecure of their body, the way they laugh, insecure about their math skills, intelligence level… Just about anything people can be insecure about. Me? I’m pretty much insecure about most things.

The way my arms wobble when I move, actually the way all of me does, I wobble so

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much I could probably hypnotise somebody. (I’m allowed to joke guys, c’mon) That is why, as I said in my last post, hanging out the washing on the clothesline has become a challenge for me. Because I’m insecure, and also paranoid about people’s opinions, I get so worried about our neighbours seeing me hang it out.

So just like getting the mail, I’ll put on a cardigan. When I’m at the line I cover my side, face a certain way, and hang it out the quickest way I possibly can before scooping up the kids and going back inside.

Playing with the kids outside is a little easier, because I sit on the concrete and it’s not as easy for people to see me that way. The other week, when the temperature was 40

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degrees every bloody day, my daughter wanted to set the slip and slide up. Personally, I’ve never been on one because yep, you guessed it – insecurities.

All my cardigans were in the wash. I was freaking out because I did not want to be seen in my own backyard without a cardigan. Wait what? Was I serious? It’s MY backyard, well we rent so technically not mine, but you get my point. How bad is that, scared to be yourself, or scared to go without a cardigan outside in 40 degree heat in your backyard to set water up for the kids in fear of someone seeing you.

I walked out the front the other day, to ask my partner if he had his wallet – I got outside and my neighbour was out there and I freaked.
FUCK’ I kept saying that over and over in my head because I felt naked. Because I had no cardigan on.
I feel better when my arms are covered, I’m, a little bit, less embarrassed about myself.
Tell ya what – it gets fucking hot being insecure about your arms and having them covered.
“It’s so hot, take your cardigan off” thanks Janet – but I’d rather keep the jiggle contained today, is what I think but.. “Oh nah, It’s okay, I’m not that hot”
Of course I’m lying, because ♪man’s not hot♪ but I most certainly am.

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Feeling so insecure that it affects you when you’re even in a private space is pretty hard. You feel shit about feeling that way because you know it’s a bit silly, but you feel like you just can’t do it. I’m not going to lie and say ‘but you know, I’m going to go out and go everywhere without a cardigan because that’s how it should be’ because that would be a flat out lie. But what I am going to do is take it step by step. I’ll try go to the bin without a cardigan. I’ll play outside without hiding. I’ll still wear a cardigan when I feel the most uncomfortable, but I’ll try do certain things without one.

My eldest always says to me, “Get you jacket, you got your jacket?” because kids notice things. I don’t need her to notice that. Embracing myself – for the girls and for myself.

Losing weight will help, undoubtedly. But in order for me to do that, I realise that I need to help myself from the emotional side first. Losing weight can be easy (bastards ha!), especially for those in the right mindset. That’s my goal.iStock_000005490020_Large.jpg

My usual goals were to be a certain size, look a certain way. Not anymore. Because whilst those things are still in my mind, of course, having them as goals – doesn’t work for me.
I need to be healthy, mentally and physically and with that – hopefully weight loss will come.

Focusing on being confident enough to simply hang out the washing, confident enough to run around outside with my girls and to do a bloody slip ‘n’ slide.

Insecurities are normal, they suck big time, but letting them rule your life isn’t.

Clothesline or Spider Shrine?

Wash the washing. Hang it outside.

JUST KIDDING, I’ll hang it on my indoor line, or forget about it.

I use to be okay, you know. No big deal.
Until one day I was hanging the washing out outside, when about 30 million spiders (no exaggeration, counted them all one-by-one) (yes, of course I’m being sarcastic) started crawling along the line and dropping onto me like they were skydiving off my clothesline. Was like a planned fucking attack I tell ya!

So, I was terrified to do it again, until obviously I had to because well – house duties, right?
I’m not even kidding you, I came back inside to, one spider on my arm, and two on my leg.
Never. Again.

But then after a while, and whole lot of kilo’s later, it wasn’t just about the spiders on the line. I just didn’t want my neighbours to see me hanging out the washing. How ridiculous.

Which is where this post ends and my next post will begin.. being afraid to be in your own backyard.

See Ya Later, Guilt.

Some days my energy levels are so low I resemble that of a melted marshmallow.

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I’ll sit at the table with my 3rd cup of coffee at 930am and think oh my gosh, when will manchild be home!?
Then, the guilt sets in.
‘DUDE! He’s at work, don’t be a dick, you’re at home, get off your ass! Stop being tired’
I’ll look at the kids and they’re annoying each other…again. One has hit the other and they’re both screaming. I take a sip of my coffee, ‘eergh cold’ and I tip it out.

I always end up feeling guilty over my own feelings.
If I feel tired, I feel guilty.
If I get mad at the kids, I feel guilty.
Feeling lazy – guilty.
Feeling sick – guilty.
You get my point.

I remember one day, I was feeling so angry with my eldest, for a fair reason, and I beat myself up over it for a week. Telling myself how ‘there’s people that would kill to be in my position,’ ‘ I’m lucky to have kids, how dare I be mad.’

Another example, so to speak, is when manchild wanted to sleep all day after a night out, and goodness I was mad then too (I promise I don’t have anger issues – im not always mad..)
I’m tired too..I didn’t go out – you did it to yourself.’ Then after those silly feelings – the guilt.
‘He works all week for you guys, puts a roof over your head, how dare you be like that towards him!’ Which is true.
But having little arguments against your own feelings is completely unhealthy.

It seems so ridiculous when I actually think about it, but it’s just the way my brain works.
Do you every feeling guilty for feeling a certain way?

I know when I get sick, oh boy, I start thinking- ‘you can’t feel sick, your kids and partner need you to be healthy. Why is your body and head like this??’ Etcetera etcetera. I end up feeling so bad about it. Which I realise is completely crazy because, I can’t really help it.

One of the most unhealthy things a person can do, is not accept or acknowledge how they feel, and argue within themselves over it. But, it’s also not the easiest thing to change. Because, I’m trying and, man, every time you start feeling guilty – you feel guilty, over feeling guilty, because you said you’d stop it. Crazy? I know. Insane? Possibly.

I’m not saying that every thought or feeling, you should be proud of, or even accept it, but don’t argue over it. But you have to acknowledge the feeling or thought and seek help, in one form or another, if need be.

Taking time out for myself, is something I’m learning to do. I think it’s really important.

me time

For me, personally, it’s one of the things I feel most guilty about. I feel so guilty if I spend an extra 5 minutes in the shower to wash my hair properly. But I’m continuing to learn. Perseverance and patience is needed for almost everything in life. Including yourself.
Self-care is important – but it’s important to not cross the line into self-centred. Because look – I’m not one to be judgy, but, people being confident is great – people being self-absorbed, is not. Yuck. Makes me want to throw a dirty nappy at their face.

Im actually proud of myself. Can I say that? Of course I can.
In 3 weeks I have done more self-improvement than I have in many years. Not worrying about the outter so much, and improving from the inner is something that takes a lot more effort and hard work than a lot of people would realise.
Usually I would feel guilty or embarrassed over thinking all that and especially for letting it known publicly, but I don’t. It’s how I feel and that’s okay.

Getting rid of the guilt , one feeling at a time.

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Miscarriage – A Taboo Topic

Miscarriage. It happens..a lot. But rarely spoken of. Why? Does it make people feel uncomfortable? Is it because people don’t know what to say? How to respond? Or maybe it’s because of something entirely different.

The statistics of miscarriage are actually quite alarming, to me anyway. Someone that you know – has probably suffered from one, and that’s heartbreaking.
Although I was told from a young age, that it would be very difficult to fall pregnant, I was able to – and I sometimes feel so guilty about it. Which makes me all that more grateful.
We decided to try for another baby towards the end of 2015. With no success for a while – but I remained grateful because of our first.

One morning, I decided to take a test. POSITIVE!! I was so excited. I took another to confirm. I decided to make a trail for my fiancé to find when he got home from work. He followed all the clues and found the tests in his PS4 game drawer.
After the excitement – we agreed on the 12 week rule.  A week or so later, I lost it. It – because we will never know what she\he was.
We didn’t speak about it.  Not really to anyone.

In a short amount of time we had; two miscarriages, one unconfirmed  – I just knew- and a false positive test – why the fuck does that even exist?

‘It could have been worse, you could have been further along’ ‘It happens’ ‘Just try again’.
As much as I do understand that yes, it could have been a lot harder.. it was still hard.
The way people come off, when you have an early miscarriage, is that you shouldn’t be sad. You’re kind of denied the grief because people act like it’s no big deal. I think that’s one of the hardest things – feeling like your sadness is insignificant.

I sort of shut off and neglected my feelings. When I managed to fall pregnant with my youngest, I was at the antenatal clinic and they said ‘sorry about your previous loss’ I replied with. ‘Oh no, that’s okay, could have been worse.’
It was kind of an automatic response. To just shut off, and pretend it was all good.

Miscarriage is shit. It feels shit, and I think it should be okay for people to talk about it when they need to. No matter what stage it happened.
If you don’t know how to respond to someone that’s talking about it – that’s okay, just listen. Give them your ears and your heart. There’s nothing better than having someone that listens in order to understand rather than listening, simply to respond.

Take a deep breath. Cry if you need to, talk if you need to. Accept your grief – do not ignore it.

A Letter to a Younger Self

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Hi me, how are you?
Look, I already know the answer. BUT let me just give you some advice and tips from here on out, okay?

First things first –

STOP THROWING AWAY YOUR LUNCH ORDER CHANGE!!
Mate. I can tell you right now, you end up throwing so much money away and you’ll feel like a total dumbass. Stop being lazy and just peel it off the brown paper bag, okay? Okay cool.  Mum and dad don’t put in a $10 note for a $4 lunch, for you to throw the rest out. Take it home – ask if you can have a tin to put it in. 

Everything will be okay.
YOU will be okay.
Yeah the sun does set, but it rises again – just like you.
The dark days will and, do, suck, don’t get me wrong,
but boy, oh boy, the bright days are worth it.

Love yourself. Don’t be a jerk about it, but love yourself enough to know your worth.
DO NOT LOWER YOURSELF FOR ANYONE UNLESS YOU’RE HELPING THEM BACK UP.
In saying that, help people always, but don’t get upset when they don’t help you.
That’s just the way some people are, and that’s fine.
You remain you.

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DO NOT SHAVE/CUT YOUR FRINGE– oh you might have already. If you haven’t – DON’T. You’ll have school photos a week later and it’ll be horrendous. Hilarious but terrible. Actually, scrap that all. Do it – it’ll be funny, but don’t tell mum I said to though, okay? Only because you’ll sound crazy.
Also – hole-punching your hair won’t work how you think it will.

Try. Don’t worry about the opinions of those that are around you. Try at athletics carnivals, who gives a crap if you’re last? At least you had a go. Trust me. Not having a go is a lot worse than “embarrassment”. You shouldn’t be embarrassed anyway!

Some of the people that you think are going to be by your side ‘forever’, won’t be there – at all. You’ll be sad about it sometimes, but then realise that you can sometimes miss the memories but not necessarily the people. People do change – and we are one of them. Let me tell you – we change so much.  But we take a complete different path than the one that we thought we would.

ENJOY YOURSELF. Don’t stress so much about how you look. Honestly – in what will feel like forever, you’ll look back and feel like you wasted years just stressing about yourself. See how stupid that sounds? Just be comfortable with yourself. If you wear something because you think it makes you look better, but it feels like wearing barbed wire or like wearing a potato sac– take the fucking thing off and go put on your damn tights. Stuff people’s opinion on your exterior, it really is what’s on the inside that counts. Look – we are still trying to take our own advice with that.

SMILE
Laugh. Laugh with others, laugh at your own jokes, and laugh at yourself. Don’t cover your mouth every time you smile or laugh. Be confident in your happiness. 

Don’t drink the rest of the, straight, southern comfort all at once before Maths. It’ll go straight to your head and you’ll get suspended. Idiot, who does that? 
Maths really isn’t that bad… just kidding we still hate it.

You’ll get pain. You’ll have surgeries. You’ll have the whole community help you get one of the said surgeries and THAT, my dear me, will change your outlook on things – forever. Don’t be scared – say what you need to.
Family definitely isn’t always blood. I believe you can choose your family, I don’t care what anyone says.  

DON’T CUT UP MUMS NEW BATH MATS JUST BECAUSE SHE ANNOYED YOU. You’ll seem like a real psychopath. 
DON’T THROW AWAY FRIENDSHIPS because another one of your friends doesn’t like them. 
DON’T LET DAD TAKE YOUR TURTLE OUT OF THE TANK TO GET A NEW ONE, he’ll run away. He’s fast. 

Keep in touch with people. I miss so many people that I never kept in touch with. I shut off when I got to a certain point and I wish that I didn’t. 
BUT – don’t be the only one that makes an effort. 

You’ll do great, kid. 
Just don’t eat all the food and stop hiding it under your mattress and in your drawers – mum will find it and will forever tease you about your food hoarding.


Enjoy life, take risks, snatch opportunities and always be yourself.

 

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Look at this photo! Wait, no don’t.

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“Say cheese!”
I say from behind the camera.
My safe zone.

It’s no secret, anymore, that I don’t like photos. I’ll take a selfie- rarely. I’ll take a photo with the kids or my partner, sometimes with friends. But notice that it’s, I’ll, take the photo. Ya know – up high, angled, no body shots.
I was flicking through our photos the other day and I realised that, at a lot of important things, or even just somewhere nice, I’m nowhere to be seen. Photos act as reminders to memories, I love looking back at photos. Whether it’s of; my parents before they had my brother and I, back in my more confident days, or back when the kids were younger. It’s fantastic. But I, for the silly reason of being self-conscious, don’t get in them.

We went away to Batemans Bay, NSW, for a few nights, after Christmas. It was such a refreshing getaway, I just want to go back. We went to the beach, a zoo, Putt Putt
golf and plenty of other things – I felt so uncomfortable doing.
When we got to the zoo, I took a photo of the girls and manchild at the entry. mogo

“Your turn” he says.
“MY TURN!? What the.. no, I’m alright, time to go in.”
“Not this time. You’re getting photos, I don’t care, get in”

So, with a crappy feeling in my stomach, I walked over and I got in a simple photo, with the kids, at a new zoo, at a new memory. Throughout the day, my partner forced me to get in a whole bunch. In every one, I am either standing behind the stroller or my eldest, or crouching, or lets be real – standing behind something or in some way, as to hide part of my body. BUT – I got in the photo. It’s actually bloody great; I already find myself looking back at the photos and think ‘yep, so glad he made me do that’.

No one else has to see the photographs that I don’t particularly feel all that great about – unless someone else has the photo and they decide to upload it on Facebook and tag me- WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS!?  But it’s good to have them, for me, for the kids.
I know of some people that are in the same frame of mind as me on this, and if you’re another, then please – get in the photo. It might not seem important to you now- maybe not to you ever – but it could be to someone else.

Everyone has someone they love pass away, a shitty part of life, but a part of life nonetheless. When I feel really down about a passed away loved one – I look at photos. It’s sometimes nice to even look at photos of myself with that loved one. But what hurts is when there isn’t any. Sounds superficial, but it does, it fucking sucks.  So yeah – let’s just do it. Get that photo. If you really, really hate it – I guarantee, in the future, you won’t. Someone-someday will even be thankful for it.

Self confidence is a big, big topic for me. Photos is just one, minuscule section. But I’m not going to rush myself.
Someone said to me the other day “Aw, well you should be alright with it all now – that’s what you’re writing about”.
Yes, it is what I’m writing about, but I’m still taking it one day at a time. I may get in a photo today – but feel like a giant potato tomorrow and not get in one. Get my point?
I’m learning to accept myself. Whether that takes weeks or frigging years – I’m trying.
Now..

♪ Let me take a selfie♪
…With an angle and add a filter.