Eldest.

I guess I always knew. I knew she had some extra challenges that other kids didn’t. I also knew that she excels in some areas and gives it her best go.

Autism.
Look, let’s be honest, before my eldest, I had a completely different perspective, different “knowledge” or lack there of.
I always thought about severe autism. Not realizing how frigging broad the spectrum really is.
I remember someone close to me said, “she may have autism”.
What. The. Fuck?
How could they think that ?
She has delays but learns so fast?
She has shy moments but she loves affection?
She doesn’t sleep, but will if she is with me?
She plays, she doesn’t line her toys?

Turns out, those things definitely dont define Autism.

Let’s skip 4 years.
4 confusing, sometimes very challenging, beautiful years.
We got the official diagnosis.
I’m still coming to terms with it.
With all the therapies needed.
With the fact that she has a ‘label’ and with that label people unknowingly, treat her differently.

I brushed it off. Acted and mentioned it like it was old news.
Nope.
I was and admittedly still am, stressed.

I’m so happy to finally have an answer, I guess, but I’m still trying to not feel guilty.

Was it something I had done during pregnancy ? Was it the steroids they gave me?
Was it because I didn’t read enough? Because I couldn’t breastfeed ?
Its genetic ? Do I have it , did I give her it? Will my youngest have delays and/or a hard time socially ?
What happens if I can’t afford one form of therapy ?

No matter the amount of times, people and professionals tell you that it is legitimately nothing that I have done, it, for some reason, it still doesn’t wipe it from my thoughts or feelings.

There is nothing wrong with autism, nor does it make anybody any less for having it.
I’ve never thought it did.

But my goodness, it does make some thing’s so much harder.
I have my days where shes screaming and all I want to do is scream back, and I have.
She has days where every single thing makes her emotions extreme.
She also has days, and quite a few of them where she is able to do everything, without getting sad, scared or frustrated.
She might be going so well, even for a month long time period, and then she will get a cold..and then it’s back to the start.
It’s frustrating and hard to understand.

But even if there’s fewer good days, they still far outweigh the bad.

I’m coming to terms with it.
This is Autism too.
She doesn’t look any different, and her personality is phenomenal.
Her heart is big enough for the world and I really believe she is capable of anything.
She already is changing the world, especially mine.

Author: kaselea

Mother of two. Sarcastic, honest, overthinker and a little crazy

2 thoughts on “Eldest.”

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