Some days my energy levels are so low I resemble that of a melted marshmallow.
I’ll sit at the table with my 3rd cup of coffee at 930am and think oh my gosh, when will manchild be home!?
Then, the guilt sets in.
‘DUDE! He’s at work, don’t be a dick, you’re at home, get off your ass! Stop being tired’
I’ll look at the kids and they’re annoying each other…again. One has hit the other and they’re both screaming. I take a sip of my coffee, ‘eergh cold’ and I tip it out.
I always end up feeling guilty over my own feelings.
If I feel tired, I feel guilty.
If I get mad at the kids, I feel guilty.
Feeling lazy – guilty.
Feeling sick – guilty.
You get my point.
I remember one day, I was feeling so angry with my eldest, for a fair reason, and I beat myself up over it for a week. Telling myself how ‘there’s people that would kill to be in my position,’ ‘ I’m lucky to have kids, how dare I be mad.’
Another example, so to speak, is when manchild wanted to sleep all day after a night out, and goodness I was mad then too (I promise I don’t have anger issues – im not always mad..)
‘I’m tired too..I didn’t go out – you did it to yourself.’ Then after those silly feelings – the guilt.
‘He works all week for you guys, puts a roof over your head, how dare you be like that towards him!’ Which is true.
But having little arguments against your own feelings is completely unhealthy.
It seems so ridiculous when I actually think about it, but it’s just the way my brain works.
Do you every feeling guilty for feeling a certain way?
I know when I get sick, oh boy, I start thinking- ‘you can’t feel sick, your kids and partner need you to be healthy. Why is your body and head like this??’ Etcetera etcetera. I end up feeling so bad about it. Which I realise is completely crazy because, I can’t really help it.
One of the most unhealthy things a person can do, is not accept or acknowledge how they feel, and argue within themselves over it. But, it’s also not the easiest thing to change. Because, I’m trying and, man, every time you start feeling guilty – you feel guilty, over feeling guilty, because you said you’d stop it. Crazy? I know. Insane? Possibly.
I’m not saying that every thought or feeling, you should be proud of, or even accept it, but don’t argue over it. But you have to acknowledge the feeling or thought and seek help, in one form or another, if need be.
Taking time out for myself, is something I’m learning to do. I think it’s really important.
For me, personally, it’s one of the things I feel most guilty about. I feel so guilty if I spend an extra 5 minutes in the shower to wash my hair properly. But I’m continuing to learn. Perseverance and patience is needed for almost everything in life. Including yourself.
Self-care is important – but it’s important to not cross the line into self-centred. Because look – I’m not one to be judgy, but, people being confident is great – people being self-absorbed, is not. Yuck. Makes me want to throw a dirty nappy at their face.
Im actually proud of myself. Can I say that? Of course I can.
In 3 weeks I have done more self-improvement than I have in many years. Not worrying about the outter so much, and improving from the inner is something that takes a lot more effort and hard work than a lot of people would realise.
Usually I would feel guilty or embarrassed over thinking all that and especially for letting it known publicly, but I don’t. It’s how I feel and that’s okay.
Getting rid of the guilt , one feeling at a time.