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Welcoming a New Start

Another night of binging Netflix, scrolling facebook and stalking fit people on Instagram, oh yeah, I better not forget the occasional google – “can I become rich by eating donuts and having naps?”. Every morning, a little bit of regret gushes over me. I wouldn’t be this tired if I would just go to sleep when the kids did.

Welcome to me. Want the run down? Probably not but here it is anyway, it’s okay you can skip it, I promise not to be offended..maybe..not offended much.
My names Kasey, 22 years old, two daughters and a fiancé/manchild. I’ll introduce you guys to my family a bit later on.
I stay home with the girls, typical 1950’s. Except I suck at organisation, don’t wear an apron and manchild helps out heaps when he can.
I’m insecure as hell, nervous, honest and to be frank, I’m not quite sure what else. See, the whole reason I’m starting this, is not just because I’ve always wanted to, but it’s because I need to.

I’m the kind of person who will stare at a message for at least 30 minutes before sending it, adding a haha even when I’m being serious. The kind of person that will judge myself, but not someone else. All too often people are their own worst critic, and I’m trying to learn to be my number one fan- confident, but not a cocky asshole.
I want my daughters to love themselves, but how can they learn to do that, if their mum stares in the mirror for an hour pulling at her clothes and changing her outfit 5 times? Monkey see,  monkey do. Also the type that doesn’t do certain things, in fear of being a bad mum. I have much to say, which is another reason why this will help.

I want to share my journey, my life, so that it may help another. If there’s anyone at all that can relate, anyone that can get a bit of motivation or even just for something to do at 2am in the morning when they can’t sleep, then how great is that!?
I need to share this so it’s out. Out for the world to see. Out for people that hate or like me, for those that I do and don’t see, do and don’t know. You get the point.
I need to share this to help me overcome all the things that I always say I’m going to, but never do.
I need to share this so that I can find me. So cliché, yes I am aware.

Being comfortable in your own skin is actually so hard to do. I use to get annoyed by confident people and now I admire them. It’s funny how your perceptions change of others when your view of yourself changes.  Typical problems with weight, parenthood, anxiousness and down right silly phobias, I will conquer- I will TRY. Try being the key word because, simply trying, is a big step for me. But, I need help, I need a venting area, a place where, hopefully, someone can read and relate too. ‘Why don’t you just get a diary or something?’ Well because I’ve tried that already. Maybe, just maybe, having this ‘blog’, public, so that any Billy, Bob and Susan down the street can read it, will motivate me. Motivate others too. That’s what I hope for, but if not then boo that sucks, at least I tried, right??

If you’re still reading this, thank you. If you would like to follow the journey, please do so. If not, that’s fine too.  This is just a start line, I hope you’ll be there for the finish!

Im actually freaking the hell out typing this because I’m so afraid of peoples opinions, its crazy. But in saying that, it’s one of the main reasons I’m doing this. To get the fuck over it.
Will I actually post this? Who knows.
 – Oh look, I actually did.

Change sucks..or does it?

cpil

Hey, just letting you know that we aren’t going to Krispy Kreme’s now, we are going out for dinner at that new sushi restaurant”
Not that serious.. for some. But to me, it’s like you’ve just told me that instead of getting my ears pierced I’m getting my toe cut off. That might be a bit extreme, but.. Oh well.

Change, whether it be a different restaurant or a different house to live in – stuffs me right up.
I’m not big on new, or different. I use to be alright with it!! But now, not so much.

If I’m going to go out for dinner with a friend, I have to know a week or more in advance, not just so I can make sure someone can watch the girls for a little while, but for myself. I’ve got to really mentally prepare for it. So, if a change does happen – it’s as though I haven’t had that week to mentally prepare.

They say that change is the one constant in life, well that’s just great.. because I suck at it.
Some people welcome change with open arms and a big smile, others – fucking run…

changey

Accepting change is hard.
My partner has just changed jobs.

He had been at his previous job for the entire duration that I have known him. So when he said he wanted to venture and try something new, widen his skills, I was supportive.. yet freaking out.

Man, I was so stressed.
New job meant a lot of changes. Also a whole lot of money stress in the lead up to the change.

I was absolutely over the top freaking out mentally. Now, even though it’s all good, all done, I still feel uncomfortable.

It’s been 2 or so weeks since he has worked at a new job and he loves it. Why do I care about the change?!

New job means new people.
I don’t know these people, I don’t know what they do, and I’m so paranoid of it causing change, whether in him, me or anything.

In all honestly, I haven’t really adjusted. How stupid does that sound! He moves jobs yet, I’m the one that hasn’t “adjusted” haha!

What. The. Fuck, right!?
But it’s the truth.

Right now, I feel like I never will ‘adjust’. He seems different already. Which of course he is. Hanging around different people, being more tired.. A lot more tired. – I get it. But I don’t have to like it.

I’m actually grateful for change – I hate it, and hardly ever want it – but I guess if it didn’t happen, life would be boring. Life wouldn’t actually happen.

We are born, changing.
Not breathing air ➙ breathing air.
Someone wiping our arse ➙ wiping it ourselves.
Chunky leg rolls are cute ➙ now they’re not..unfortunately

If it wasn’t for change – I wouldn’t be able to self improve..and that’s something I really need to do.

Right now, I’m writing this as I wait for my floors to dry and all I can think of – how much has actually already changed that I wasn’t completely aware of or maybe, just not bothered by.

So I guess – MAYBE, I can embrace changes.
I’ll try to look at change a different way.
Instead of what can go wrong – maybe I can try finding the benefit of the different.

Although, some change does fucking suck.
But now I realise- yeah, some does suck, but most importantly – some doesn’t.

Let me be like the caterpillar, as he turns into the butterfly.. But with a longer lifespan.
♪ Ch-ch-ch-ch changes ♪

butterfly

Mumma Worries

It keeps me awake.
Not knowing how to fix it. Knowing that I can’t protect them forever. Knowing that some people are dicks and I can’t prevent them from being that way.

My eldest is 4. She’s different, apparently, to other kids, but I think everyone should be. Who wants to be the same?!

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But.. That’s all a different story.

She loves school. Loves kids. She is a quick learner, hilarious, has beautiful manners and means well majority of the time. But she keeps things to herself a bit. Which, I’m all for a bit of personal space and privacy. But at the same time, I still want her to know she can tell me anything.

A little boy at her preschool called her a stupid shit, again.

She didn’t tell me this until a day or so after, and when I asked her what he said she goes ‘stupid’ then went quiet and covered her mouth. Because she knows she’s not meant to say it. So I finally got her to tell me and she said ‘shit’. Whilst I was impressed with my daughters good behaviour, I was fucking shitty. Mainly because he’s said other things too.

Look. I’m not a parent that’s going to jump the gun. My daughter could have been being naughty, annoying or something, so obviously I’m going to ask the teachers, but this same kid use to say other stuff last year too.

Four. That’s how old they are.
She told me a little boy isn’t her friend anymore because this same little boy said he can’t be…

WHAAAAAT!

BUT- My daughter doesn’t seem too phased at the moment. I’m trying to keep it that way. To focus on herself and the people that are kind to her and to just ignore the ones that aren’t nice.

But sometimes, she does seem upset by it and it completely shatters my heart.

What am I going to do when she goes to big school and if there’s more kids that say shitty things to her?
What if she doesn’t tell me and it bottles up inside?
What if I can’t teach her how to deal with it?
What happens when there are bullies?
What if she becomes a bully?

She doesn’t see me worrying, because I push it all down until everyone is asleep. Like most parents do.

Mean, crap people, and things, are a part of life, always have been, I understand that. But it just seems like it’s getting younger that kids have to deal with crap.

Getting assessed if they daydream, getting medicated if they tend to move around a little more than another, bullied for being different, having a mobile or Ipad at 1, knowing what sex and drugs are at a younger age. Too young.

I don’t know about you, but that’s not how things were when I was little and I’m pretty young.

You get stuck between wanting to protect your kids, not wanting to helicopter them and letting them experience/learn things on their own.
I’m sure I’ll find the balance.

Someday.

kindness

Victories – Little, but Big.

Not everyone measures success in the form of money, power or fame.
My success today is a personal gain (yes, apparently I am a poet)

Guess who went to her outside bin without a cardigan? Yep. Me.
I walked as fast as I possibly could, so as to get back inside. But I did it.

That’s a step in the right direction, If I do say so myself.bins
As little it is to you, it’s big to me.

My heart raced, not an exhilaratingpumped up, heart race, it was more of a scream. As though my heart was saying ‘FUCK, WHAT runTHE SHIT!? GET BACK INSIDE; RUN RUN BLOODY RUN’

Whilst my brain was going ‘be calm, I said be calm, deep breaths, it’s just to your bin.. Oh wait there’s cars coming HURRYING IT UP CHICK HURRY IT UP’

But, it’s a success. If I was a kid with a sticker chart, I’d be one up. Maybe even two.

Little goals my dudes and dudettes. Little goals heal the soul.

Enjoy your day and celebrate the little victories.
Like getting out of bed.

Jiggle Jiggle all the way

Insecurities – a lot of people have them. Whether it’s being insecure of their body, the way they laugh, insecure about their math skills, intelligence level… Just about anything people can be insecure about. Me? I’m pretty much insecure about most things.

The way my arms wobble when I move, actually the way all of me does, I wobble so

wobble

much I could probably hypnotise somebody. (I’m allowed to joke guys, c’mon) That is why, as I said in my last post, hanging out the washing on the clothesline has become a challenge for me. Because I’m insecure, and also paranoid about people’s opinions, I get so worried about our neighbours seeing me hang it out.

So just like getting the mail, I’ll put on a cardigan. When I’m at the line I cover my side, face a certain way, and hang it out the quickest way I possibly can before scooping up the kids and going back inside.

Playing with the kids outside is a little easier, because I sit on the concrete and it’s not as easy for people to see me that way. The other week, when the temperature was 40

slip

degrees every bloody day, my daughter wanted to set the slip and slide up. Personally, I’ve never been on one because yep, you guessed it – insecurities.

All my cardigans were in the wash. I was freaking out because I did not want to be seen in my own backyard without a cardigan. Wait what? Was I serious? It’s MY backyard, well we rent so technically not mine, but you get my point. How bad is that, scared to be yourself, or scared to go without a cardigan outside in 40 degree heat in your backyard to set water up for the kids in fear of someone seeing you.

I walked out the front the other day, to ask my partner if he had his wallet – I got outside and my neighbour was out there and I freaked.
FUCK’ I kept saying that over and over in my head because I felt naked. Because I had no cardigan on.
I feel better when my arms are covered, I’m, a little bit, less embarrassed about myself.
Tell ya what – it gets fucking hot being insecure about your arms and having them covered.
“It’s so hot, take your cardigan off” thanks Janet – but I’d rather keep the jiggle contained today, is what I think but.. “Oh nah, It’s okay, I’m not that hot”
Of course I’m lying, because ♪man’s not hot♪ but I most certainly am.

big shaq

Feeling so insecure that it affects you when you’re even in a private space is pretty hard. You feel shit about feeling that way because you know it’s a bit silly, but you feel like you just can’t do it. I’m not going to lie and say ‘but you know, I’m going to go out and go everywhere without a cardigan because that’s how it should be’ because that would be a flat out lie. But what I am going to do is take it step by step. I’ll try go to the bin without a cardigan. I’ll play outside without hiding. I’ll still wear a cardigan when I feel the most uncomfortable, but I’ll try do certain things without one.

My eldest always says to me, “Get you jacket, you got your jacket?” because kids notice things. I don’t need her to notice that. Embracing myself – for the girls and for myself.

Losing weight will help, undoubtedly. But in order for me to do that, I realise that I need to help myself from the emotional side first. Losing weight can be easy (bastards ha!), especially for those in the right mindset. That’s my goal.iStock_000005490020_Large.jpg

My usual goals were to be a certain size, look a certain way. Not anymore. Because whilst those things are still in my mind, of course, having them as goals – doesn’t work for me.
I need to be healthy, mentally and physically and with that – hopefully weight loss will come.

Focusing on being confident enough to simply hang out the washing, confident enough to run around outside with my girls and to do a bloody slip ‘n’ slide.

Insecurities are normal, they suck big time, but letting them rule your life isn’t.

Clothesline or Spider Shrine?

Wash the washing. Hang it outside.

JUST KIDDING, I’ll hang it on my indoor line, or forget about it.

I use to be okay, you know. No big deal.
Until one day I was hanging the washing out outside, when about 30 million spiders (no exaggeration, counted them all one-by-one) (yes, of course I’m being sarcastic) started crawling along the line and dropping onto me like they were skydiving off my clothesline. Was like a planned fucking attack I tell ya!

So, I was terrified to do it again, until obviously I had to because well – house duties, right?
I’m not even kidding you, I came back inside to, one spider on my arm, and two on my leg.
Never. Again.

But then after a while, and whole lot of kilo’s later, it wasn’t just about the spiders on the line. I just didn’t want my neighbours to see me hanging out the washing. How ridiculous.

Which is where this post ends and my next post will begin.. being afraid to be in your own backyard.

See Ya Later, Guilt.

Some days my energy levels are so low I resemble that of a melted marshmallow.

marsh

I’ll sit at the table with my 3rd cup of coffee at 930am and think oh my gosh, when will manchild be home!?
Then, the guilt sets in.
‘DUDE! He’s at work, don’t be a dick, you’re at home, get off your ass! Stop being tired’
I’ll look at the kids and they’re annoying each other…again. One has hit the other and they’re both screaming. I take a sip of my coffee, ‘eergh cold’ and I tip it out.

I always end up feeling guilty over my own feelings.
If I feel tired, I feel guilty.
If I get mad at the kids, I feel guilty.
Feeling lazy – guilty.
Feeling sick – guilty.
You get my point.

I remember one day, I was feeling so angry with my eldest, for a fair reason, and I beat myself up over it for a week. Telling myself how ‘there’s people that would kill to be in my position,’ ‘ I’m lucky to have kids, how dare I be mad.’

Another example, so to speak, is when manchild wanted to sleep all day after a night out, and goodness I was mad then too (I promise I don’t have anger issues – im not always mad..)
I’m tired too..I didn’t go out – you did it to yourself.’ Then after those silly feelings – the guilt.
‘He works all week for you guys, puts a roof over your head, how dare you be like that towards him!’ Which is true.
But having little arguments against your own feelings is completely unhealthy.

It seems so ridiculous when I actually think about it, but it’s just the way my brain works.
Do you every feeling guilty for feeling a certain way?

I know when I get sick, oh boy, I start thinking- ‘you can’t feel sick, your kids and partner need you to be healthy. Why is your body and head like this??’ Etcetera etcetera. I end up feeling so bad about it. Which I realise is completely crazy because, I can’t really help it.

One of the most unhealthy things a person can do, is not accept or acknowledge how they feel, and argue within themselves over it. But, it’s also not the easiest thing to change. Because, I’m trying and, man, every time you start feeling guilty – you feel guilty, over feeling guilty, because you said you’d stop it. Crazy? I know. Insane? Possibly.

I’m not saying that every thought or feeling, you should be proud of, or even accept it, but don’t argue over it. But you have to acknowledge the feeling or thought and seek help, in one form or another, if need be.

Taking time out for myself, is something I’m learning to do. I think it’s really important.

me time

For me, personally, it’s one of the things I feel most guilty about. I feel so guilty if I spend an extra 5 minutes in the shower to wash my hair properly. But I’m continuing to learn. Perseverance and patience is needed for almost everything in life. Including yourself.
Self-care is important – but it’s important to not cross the line into self-centred. Because look – I’m not one to be judgy, but, people being confident is great – people being self-absorbed, is not. Yuck. Makes me want to throw a dirty nappy at their face.

Im actually proud of myself. Can I say that? Of course I can.
In 3 weeks I have done more self-improvement than I have in many years. Not worrying about the outter so much, and improving from the inner is something that takes a lot more effort and hard work than a lot of people would realise.
Usually I would feel guilty or embarrassed over thinking all that and especially for letting it known publicly, but I don’t. It’s how I feel and that’s okay.

Getting rid of the guilt , one feeling at a time.

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Miscarriage – A Taboo Topic

Miscarriage. It happens..a lot. But rarely spoken of. Why? Does it make people feel uncomfortable? Is it because people don’t know what to say? How to respond? Or maybe it’s because of something entirely different.

The statistics of miscarriage are actually quite alarming, to me anyway. Someone that you know – has probably suffered from one, and that’s heartbreaking.
Although I was told from a young age, that it would be very difficult to fall pregnant, I was able to – and I sometimes feel so guilty about it. Which makes me all that more grateful.
We decided to try for another baby towards the end of 2015. With no success for a while – but I remained grateful because of our first.

One morning, I decided to take a test. POSITIVE!! I was so excited. I took another to confirm. I decided to make a trail for my fiancé to find when he got home from work. He followed all the clues and found the tests in his PS4 game drawer.
After the excitement – we agreed on the 12 week rule.  A week or so later, I lost it. It – because we will never know what she\he was.
We didn’t speak about it.  Not really to anyone.

In a short amount of time we had; two miscarriages, one unconfirmed  – I just knew- and a false positive test – why the fuck does that even exist?

‘It could have been worse, you could have been further along’ ‘It happens’ ‘Just try again’.
As much as I do understand that yes, it could have been a lot harder.. it was still hard.
The way people come off, when you have an early miscarriage, is that you shouldn’t be sad. You’re kind of denied the grief because people act like it’s no big deal. I think that’s one of the hardest things – feeling like your sadness is insignificant.

I sort of shut off and neglected my feelings. When I managed to fall pregnant with my youngest, I was at the antenatal clinic and they said ‘sorry about your previous loss’ I replied with. ‘Oh no, that’s okay, could have been worse.’
It was kind of an automatic response. To just shut off, and pretend it was all good.

Miscarriage is shit. It feels shit, and I think it should be okay for people to talk about it when they need to. No matter what stage it happened.
If you don’t know how to respond to someone that’s talking about it – that’s okay, just listen. Give them your ears and your heart. There’s nothing better than having someone that listens in order to understand rather than listening, simply to respond.

Take a deep breath. Cry if you need to, talk if you need to. Accept your grief – do not ignore it.