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Welcoming a New Start

Another night of binging Netflix, scrolling facebook and stalking fit people on Instagram, oh yeah, I better not forget the occasional google – “can I become rich by eating donuts and having naps?”. Every morning, a little bit of regret gushes over me. I wouldn’t be this tired if I would just go to sleep when the kids did.

Welcome to me. Want the run down? Probably not but here it is anyway, it’s okay you can skip it, I promise not to be offended..maybe..not offended much.
My names Kasey, 22 years old, two daughters and a fiancé/manchild. I’ll introduce you guys to my family a bit later on.
I stay home with the girls, typical 1950’s. Except I suck at organisation, don’t wear an apron and manchild helps out heaps when he can.
I’m insecure as hell, nervous, honest and to be frank, I’m not quite sure what else. See, the whole reason I’m starting this, is not just because I’ve always wanted to, but it’s because I need to.

I’m the kind of person who will stare at a message for at least 30 minutes before sending it, adding a haha even when I’m being serious. The kind of person that will judge myself, but not someone else. All too often people are their own worst critic, and I’m trying to learn to be my number one fan- confident, but not a cocky asshole.
I want my daughters to love themselves, but how can they learn to do that, if their mum stares in the mirror for an hour pulling at her clothes and changing her outfit 5 times? Monkey see,  monkey do. Also the type that doesn’t do certain things, in fear of being a bad mum. I have much to say, which is another reason why this will help.

I want to share my journey, my life, so that it may help another. If there’s anyone at all that can relate, anyone that can get a bit of motivation or even just for something to do at 2am in the morning when they can’t sleep, then how great is that!?
I need to share this so it’s out. Out for the world to see. Out for people that hate or like me, for those that I do and don’t see, do and don’t know. You get the point.
I need to share this to help me overcome all the things that I always say I’m going to, but never do.
I need to share this so that I can find me. So cliché, yes I am aware.

Being comfortable in your own skin is actually so hard to do. I use to get annoyed by confident people and now I admire them. It’s funny how your perceptions change of others when your view of yourself changes.  Typical problems with weight, parenthood, anxiousness and down right silly phobias, I will conquer- I will TRY. Try being the key word because, simply trying, is a big step for me. But, I need help, I need a venting area, a place where, hopefully, someone can read and relate too. ‘Why don’t you just get a diary or something?’ Well because I’ve tried that already. Maybe, just maybe, having this ‘blog’, public, so that any Billy, Bob and Susan down the street can read it, will motivate me. Motivate others too. That’s what I hope for, but if not then boo that sucks, at least I tried, right??

If you’re still reading this, thank you. If you would like to follow the journey, please do so. If not, that’s fine too.  This is just a start line, I hope you’ll be there for the finish!

Im actually freaking the hell out typing this because I’m so afraid of peoples opinions, its crazy. But in saying that, it’s one of the main reasons I’m doing this. To get the fuck over it.
Will I actually post this? Who knows.
 – Oh look, I actually did.

Self-Love, What’s That?

What exactly is self-love?

It’s seems to be the new craze now. Everyone is posting about how they have learnt to love themselves for who they are and what they look like, which is spectacular but… Do even half of them even mean it, or are they fishing for the “likes”? Did half of them even struggle with self-love in the first place? I feel like a lot of things some people do, is all for show. But in saying that, how the hell do I know, I don’t know them, I’m just being a bit on the bitchy side.
Some could even say it about me, who knows, who cares.

self love

But really.. Self love.
I’m trying.

Now, I heard this one dude say “self love is just for fat people to say it’s okay to be fat, there is nothing healthy about obesity.”
He’s half right. There isn’t anything healthy about that.

But from my perspective, self-love isn’t about saying “hey everyone, go and eat 17 big macs and only drink chocolate thick shakes.” It’s about being comfortable with yourself, loving your body and in turn keeping it healthy..

We on the same page?

I mean, I feel as though being able to accept yourself is phenomenal, wear the clothes you feel comfortable in. But having proper self-love is to look after yourself too. Physically, mentally – completely.

Some people are just bigger. There’s actually a fair amount of ‘bigger’ people that are healthier and fitter than those that fit the aesthetics for that particular description. Basically – big people that are fitter/healthier than those people that look like athletes. (We all know someone that packs away the food and junk, but doesn’t gain anything, but for all we know, that might be stressful for them).

Some people are just smaller. They aren’t unhealthy, they aren’t promoting people to eat only an apple a day by being comfortable in their skin.
Just because someone is thin, doesn’t mean they are sick, or that they don’t eat.
Just because someone is small does not automatically mean that they are comfortable.

So to say self-love is an excuse for people to be unhealthy, from my point of view, couldn’t be more fucking ignorant than my manchild playing Fortnite.

I’ve realised why I treat my body like a bag of shit, because self-love is something I lack. I can lie and say that I don’t, but who is that going to help? Certainly not myself.

My goal is to reach that, because by reaching that I believe that I’ll stay on course. I’ll start having the motivation I need because I’ll want what’s best for me.

But right now?

I’m a long way from that..
ONE mistake and I turn it into a week’s worth, and I think I finally understand why.

Self-love is important, for everybody- big, small, normal. For anything or anybody that breathes.

Does this mean that I’m actually on the right track?

track.jpg

Hello, Old Friend..

hello

Ever want to message an old friend, but don’t go through with it?
Ever look at old photos and miss those days?

Lord knows, that I definitely do.

I always go to message old friends, that I use to hang out with all the time, then I don’t. Why? Because I’m actually scared that they don’t remember the times we had.

I feel like, maybe I’m the only one that remembers.
Maybe I thought we were close but, maybe, they didn’t think the same.

I sometimes just want to message people, just to let them know that I thought of them. Ask them how they are. But I just can’t seem to do it. Purely out of fear of what they’ll think or say.
But I also suck at replying. I get distracted and forget. So in a month’s time, I’ll reply and then forget again.

I sometimes get my mind stuck in the past.
Looking at old photos and asking myself why the fuck I thought I was fat back then!?!
I also ask myself why I made certain decisions, like, why did I decide to drink a straight bottle of Southern Comfort in High School?

But let’s be real, if I didn’t make those decisions, would I be where I am today?
Without those friends, past and present, where or who would I be?

Do you ever randomly have a memory pop into your head that makes you laugh and then you realise the person that you had that memory with, isn’t in your life anymore?

Sometimes memories are better than the people or person and sometimes, there is a reason they are no longer in your life.
But on the other hand, sometimes, it’s just a matter of changes or even just distance.

I shut off and shut people out when I fell pregnant.
That, I can say, I do regret.
But that’s a whole different story.

I don’t want to regret not messaging someone. I, obviously, don’t want to regret anything. At least I would be able to say I did it, or I tried.
Because the only reason I would regret something, is if I DON’T try.

So, my challenge for myself, is to message an old friend when they pop into my head. Ask them how they are, because I genuinely want to know.
Don’t stress over how to write the message and just do it.

If you ever feel the same, why don’t you try it too?
Because I guess we never know when the option to say hello, is no longer there..

Dont-Wait-The-Time-Will-Never-Be-Just-Right

 

Better than Yesterday.

I’m not proud of myself.. But I’m prouder than I was yesterday.
I’m not where I need to be, but I’ve taken more steps toward it than ever before.

I use to need things quick.
You know, like those ‘Lose 5kgs in 3 days with this delicious tea’! or ‘Get my meditation tape to quit smoking in just 2 nights!’
Quick fixes.
It’s hard to feel good, when you’re waiting for things to happen, instead of doing things to get to them.

For me, I’ve realised that taking each day at a time, is really the best option.
Sure, I’d love a quick fix to life’s problems, who wouldn’t? But that’s not reality.

Staying true to yourself, and focusing on trying to please yourself and not someone else, has such a satisfying feel to it.
Worrying about what I would think, rather than what someone else would, has been hard, and probably will continue to be hard, but when I manage to do it, man.. I feel like I have truly accomplished something for myself.

Take it slow. Learn along the way.

Get to know yourself.

You might be surprised and find that there are some things you really like. You might even start liking yourself.

I’m not there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.

Overwhelmed.

Being truly overwhelmed is something I thought I had experienced, and to a degree, I have. In a positive light, in a positive way, I have been completely overwhelmed. But the other night, was something different.

Does anyone else, find themselves not being able to sleep and start thinking of absolutely random, terrible, sometimes completely unlikely, scenarios?
I remember one night, I couldn’t sleep and my brain came up with this scenario:hfire

A fire started, and i had only slept in a t-shirt. I got the kids and fiance up and outside, but I stayed back to get some pants because I couldn’t be seen with just a shirt on. But I took too long.

So after imagining that, I got up and put my pj pants on because well.. Just in case.
Or I start thinking about loved ones passing away and start bawling my damn eyes out.

But the other night, I was thinking of everything.

I couldn’t switch it off.

overwhelmed

I felt happy, in love, sad, anxious, excited, uncomfortable, surrounded, alone, guilty, proud overwhelmed.

I didn’t know what was going on. I was lost within my own feelings and not knowing how to slow them down.

My partner looked at me, with one eye open, half asleep and said, “Stop thinking. Go to sleep, it’s all fine” and went back to his snooze town that makes him sound like a trombone.

Oh goodness did I try. I tried to switch off.

I shut my eyes but it didn’t stop it. I tossed and turned, sat up, got a drink, went back to bed, laid back down and stared at the ceiling.

Nope. Still, my heart was pounding fast, then slow, fast and then normal.

Our feelings don’t just mess around with our mental side, they physically affect us too. A lot of people don’t actually understand that.

It got to 230am and I started to calm my brain, trying to focus on one emotion/thought. It helped, took a while but it helped.
Legitimately, it made me feel utterly exhausted. Nope, I didn’t run a marathon, or do anything physical, yet I was drained.

This isn’t something that happens to me very often, well, the not sleeping and thinking of random crap, that does, but the emotional tsunami, not so much.

I think for me, and pretty sure others, is that when there’s a lot going on, especially a lot of random things, all of a sudden, our body and mind just gets a bit confused.

My brain wasn’t in automatic mode anymore, it was in manual.

rowing boat

It was time for me to figure out how to piece it together; which feeling, to what thought.

Give your mind a break. Sometimes we can’t just drift along, sometimes we have to take the oar and steer.
Might feel impossible, but it’s the only option you have, if you want to get to your destination.

Close your eyes, do slow, deep breathing, focusing on the breaths you take.

You are in control.
And so am I.muscle arm

Stop Sugar Coating Love.

Being in love is easy, but keeping and maintaining a relationship isn’t.
Yeah, some people just click and flow. But there comes a time where even they, will have to put in work.

tv

Whether it be organising a date night once a month or letting the other watch a show you find utterly ridiculous.

If it’s worth it – you don’t give up. There are points where, if I’m honest, I’ve wanted to.
Times where I’ve just wanted to call it quits. But I haven’t. Every day..well most, I’m thankful that I haven’t.
Sometimes the only reason I stayed (at the time) was because of our girls and because I know that I’m a psycho.

My paranoia causes many problems. But for the most part – my partner deals exceptionally well.
I was and sometimes still am, the type of person that if someone says something that really hurts me, I’ll say anything in order to hurt them more. It’s a disgusting thing to do, it was my self-defence mechanism for too long.

love hearts

People put up this false image of love and it gives me the absolute shits. Why lie? Love is beautiful, in all the bad and in all the good. Embrace the fucking shitty times, it helps. Sometimes makes for a brilliant joke in the future.

My partner and I have been through, a hell of a lot. He has done and dealt with more things than most, in a shorter time than most too…and so have I.
Every person has their ‘life baggage’. Some, more than others, (me, I am well over the baggage limit). If you’re not willing to help lug it around, then don’t pretend to. I am blessed with a bloke that is willing to hold it above his head, up a mountain and in the rain.

Now – because of my paranoia, I think- well shit, he’s going to slip down soon and make a run for it. So I cause an issue. Not completely on purpose, but a problem nonetheless. Because I feel like he will leave eventually – I try to rush it. I push away so that it’s easier for me. Of course that’s dumb and I’m crazy. I haven’t done it in a while because I’m growing – mentally. About time, I know.

I have a tendency to remember the negative. Which is something opposite to my partner. I think that is something that’s really hard for him. Which I completely understand.
I also felt as though he was too good for me- so I’d feel guilty for him being with me in general.

It doesn’t help that I have a habit of putting myself into other people’s shoes too much. Even fictional people in movies. I’ll sit there bawling because I imagine that it was me. Whereas manchild – he likes his own shoes, and will just listen to others instead of feeling their emotions. Which – isn’t bad but it does cause some arguments. Because I’m way too emotional\involved and he isn’t. But then again it works because he can be super comforting because he isn’t a sooky like me and then sometimes he thinks I’m a complete idiot and tells me to get over it. Which is what most people would do, it’s balance.

laundry

I’m not here to air our dirty laundry, I’m here to make sure people realise that love means loving someone even when their like me. It’s not all about how many people come to your wedding. It’s not about how many flowers he buys you, or if she fills the fridge with beer and invites your boys over and leaves for the night. It’s about being honest, loyal and trustworthy. Accepting them with all their flaws, helping them reach their goals, finding a balance – maintaining a friendship.
Don’t lose yourself in the expectations of the fantasy of love.

We lost ourselves when we had kids, I changed tremendously. But he is my best friend – and that I don’t want to lose.
Don’t take your partner for granted because of love. Love is only part of it. Make effort, stay involved and be genuine.
Love is easy – staying connected isn’t.peni and me

Change sucks..or does it?

cpil

Hey, just letting you know that we aren’t going to Krispy Kreme’s now, we are going out for dinner at that new sushi restaurant”
Not that serious.. for some. But to me, it’s like you’ve just told me that instead of getting my ears pierced I’m getting my toe cut off. That might be a bit extreme, but.. Oh well.

Change, whether it be a different restaurant or a different house to live in – stuffs me right up.
I’m not big on new, or different. I use to be alright with it!! But now, not so much.

If I’m going to go out for dinner with a friend, I have to know a week or more in advance, not just so I can make sure someone can watch the girls for a little while, but for myself. I’ve got to really mentally prepare for it. So, if a change does happen – it’s as though I haven’t had that week to mentally prepare.

They say that change is the one constant in life, well that’s just great.. because I suck at it.
Some people welcome change with open arms and a big smile, others – fucking run…

changey

Accepting change is hard.
My partner has just changed jobs.

He had been at his previous job for the entire duration that I have known him. So when he said he wanted to venture and try something new, widen his skills, I was supportive.. yet freaking out.

Man, I was so stressed.
New job meant a lot of changes. Also a whole lot of money stress in the lead up to the change.

I was absolutely over the top freaking out mentally. Now, even though it’s all good, all done, I still feel uncomfortable.

It’s been 2 or so weeks since he has worked at a new job and he loves it. Why do I care about the change?!

New job means new people.
I don’t know these people, I don’t know what they do, and I’m so paranoid of it causing change, whether in him, me or anything.

In all honestly, I haven’t really adjusted. How stupid does that sound! He moves jobs yet, I’m the one that hasn’t “adjusted” haha!

What. The. Fuck, right!?
But it’s the truth.

Right now, I feel like I never will ‘adjust’. He seems different already. Which of course he is. Hanging around different people, being more tired.. A lot more tired. – I get it. But I don’t have to like it.

I’m actually grateful for change – I hate it, and hardly ever want it – but I guess if it didn’t happen, life would be boring. Life wouldn’t actually happen.

We are born, changing.
Not breathing air ➙ breathing air.
Someone wiping our arse ➙ wiping it ourselves.
Chunky leg rolls are cute ➙ now they’re not..unfortunately

If it wasn’t for change – I wouldn’t be able to self improve..and that’s something I really need to do.

Right now, I’m writing this as I wait for my floors to dry and all I can think of – how much has actually already changed that I wasn’t completely aware of or maybe, just not bothered by.

So I guess – MAYBE, I can embrace changes.
I’ll try to look at change a different way.
Instead of what can go wrong – maybe I can try finding the benefit of the different.

Although, some change does fucking suck.
But now I realise- yeah, some does suck, but most importantly – some doesn’t.

Let me be like the caterpillar, as he turns into the butterfly.. But with a longer lifespan.
♪ Ch-ch-ch-ch changes ♪

butterfly

Mumma Worries

It keeps me awake.
Not knowing how to fix it. Knowing that I can’t protect them forever. Knowing that some people are dicks and I can’t prevent them from being that way.

My eldest is 4. She’s different, apparently, to other kids, but I think everyone should be. Who wants to be the same?!

if-you-re-lucky-enough-to-be-different-don-t-ever-change-wall-decals-vinyl-stickers

But.. That’s all a different story.

She loves school. Loves kids. She is a quick learner, hilarious, has beautiful manners and means well majority of the time. But she keeps things to herself a bit. Which, I’m all for a bit of personal space and privacy. But at the same time, I still want her to know she can tell me anything.

A little boy at her preschool called her a stupid shit, again.

She didn’t tell me this until a day or so after, and when I asked her what he said she goes ‘stupid’ then went quiet and covered her mouth. Because she knows she’s not meant to say it. So I finally got her to tell me and she said ‘shit’. Whilst I was impressed with my daughters good behaviour, I was fucking shitty. Mainly because he’s said other things too.

Look. I’m not a parent that’s going to jump the gun. My daughter could have been being naughty, annoying or something, so obviously I’m going to ask the teachers, but this same kid use to say other stuff last year too.

Four. That’s how old they are.
She told me a little boy isn’t her friend anymore because this same little boy said he can’t be…

WHAAAAAT!

BUT- My daughter doesn’t seem too phased at the moment. I’m trying to keep it that way. To focus on herself and the people that are kind to her and to just ignore the ones that aren’t nice.

But sometimes, she does seem upset by it and it completely shatters my heart.

What am I going to do when she goes to big school and if there’s more kids that say shitty things to her?
What if she doesn’t tell me and it bottles up inside?
What if I can’t teach her how to deal with it?
What happens when there are bullies?
What if she becomes a bully?

She doesn’t see me worrying, because I push it all down until everyone is asleep. Like most parents do.

Mean, crap people, and things, are a part of life, always have been, I understand that. But it just seems like it’s getting younger that kids have to deal with crap.

Getting assessed if they daydream, getting medicated if they tend to move around a little more than another, bullied for being different, having a mobile or Ipad at 1, knowing what sex and drugs are at a younger age. Too young.

I don’t know about you, but that’s not how things were when I was little and I’m pretty young.

You get stuck between wanting to protect your kids, not wanting to helicopter them and letting them experience/learn things on their own.
I’m sure I’ll find the balance.

Someday.

kindness